Don’t Fuck This Up Australia

Today’s post in an important one for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it marks 100 posts (who better to raise the bat on our behalf than Boony) since this whole crazy affair began back in September 06. It’s a milestone I wasn’t expected to reach given that precious few share my core belief that I’m actually going to be President one day. Second of all, this is my last chance before tomorrow’s vote to urge you all to get rid of Howard – a job that I sincerely hope that you’re up to.

In review, it’s been an epic 100 posts, during which we’ve managed to cover off on plenty of big issues. Most passionately, I have sought to emphasise the necessity of the separation of church and state (a point crystallised by my preferred evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins) though that is the tip of a growing iceberg. This Administration has also been outspoken on the persecution of the gay community (and the suppression of gay marriage), the taboo nature of euthanasia, our societies reluctance to donate their organs and whenever possible, the ineptitude of the United Nations. Closer to home, my Chief of staff was scathing in his condemnation of Bogans and our public transport quagmire alike. Most recently, questions of torture, racism and the coolness of Anti-flag have consumed our thinking – until giving way to the Kevin 07 juggernaut.

Squinting through the tears of nostalgia, that brings me to my next point: It’s Time. After 11 years of Howard’s erosion of public services, xenophobia, war mongering and arrogance we finally again have the opportunity to do something about it. We’ve had our chances in the past, and squandered them – only adding to the smugness with which we are governed. Tomorrow as you ready for the polls I want you to think back of the decade passed: the public services lost, the widening gap between rich and poor and the complete mismanagement of our foreign policy. I need you concentrate all your rage into a bitter little ball and release it in the form of a non-liberal vote (better stick with Greens if you’re not a Labor fan – the Dems are dead in the water). If you love your President at all you will heed my call, and elect anyone but Howard (until, you prove otherwise – you’re all on notice).

In closing, I want to thank my loyal readers for their continued support – you are the people in the forest that hears my tree fall - so that I know that it makes a sound. I pledge to be here in 100 more posts time, and to continue questing for the Presidency. Just make sure you do me one favour in the meantime: don’t fuck up tomorrow.

A Loophole in the System

After realising that I was going to be unable to vote on Saturday (due to an intense and all day game of cricket) in the upcoming federal election, I decided that I had a couple of options on my hands. The first required me to fill in an application to postal vote with explanation which sounded like far too much hard work. The second was to go into a polling office this week and place my vote early. Seeing this country isn't ready for our great "future" president to be elected

just yet, I had to resolve myself to voting for one of the current major parties.

When I made the trek into a dodgy and run down polling centre that was obviously struggling with the day full of people trying to vote early. The workers were struggling with the combination of rubbish everywhere, lack of resources and some very unhappy voters. Whilst waiting in the queue, I noted people were being turned away due to being in the wrong electorate and chuckled to myself thinking at least that wasn't me. When it was my turn, the lady "serving" me asked why I couldn't vote - I told her the cricket reason. Now I'm the first to admit that playing a game of cricket probably isn't up there on a list of national reasons to skip voting but I thought that it shouldn't matter. I was rudely told that it indeed wasn't a significant reason and that I should learn to read the rules of early voting before I turn up. The woman then proceeded to tell me that I had to be going oversees, interstate or ill in order to vote early. I was so angry at this and joined the line of people leaving dissatisfied.

At the exit I turned around, lined up again and when I got to the desk(another person this time) and was asked the same question - to which I replied "I'm going oversees". I then proceeded to vote early and the problem was solved.

The reason for my maiden rant on AFP was to suggest a better system. I know you can vote anywhere on Saturday and I support compulsory voting but there has to be a better way. There will be millions of other people that have equally as mundane excuse as to why they can't vote on Saturday that will either cop the fine or run into the obstacles as I have. I would like to know why after the advertising campaigns have finished, polling booths can't be opened up for a period of 5 days or so. This would allow people who are keen to do the right thing, an opportunity to do so without having to lie. It is the reason that the early polling stations and the people who work in them are now dead to this organisation. They should be very worried for their jobs because when the true great leader of this country comes into power - they will find themselves lining up at Centrelink. Rant over, the Secretary has spoken!

Hail to the Chief

It should come as no surprise to you all, that I consider Stephen Colbert to be my mentor in the world of political commentary – and more recently in the running for President stakes. Colbert started out as a correspondent on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show back in ’97, but was launched on a solo juggernaut in 2005 with the debut of his own show: The Colbert Report. Those of you unfamiliar with his work should do yourself a favour and get familiar with it – the man’s a comic genius. His show is basically faux news, mocking the bevy of political pundits that make their living clogging cable news channels in the US (and increasingly here). Though he describes himself as "well-intentioned, poorly informed high-status idiot" his parodies are generally on the money and the show overall is surprisingly informative.

So, given that he was already top of my hero food-chain I didn’t know where to look when Colbert threw his hat into the Presidential Ring for 2008. Prompted by his adoring fan base, some sections of the media and his own supercharged ego, Colbert announced his run on The Daily Show wheeled in on a carriage drawn by Uncle Sam. Surprisingly to many, the ‘campaign’ began developing elements of semi-seriousness: A campaigning weekend in South Carolina, a filed Democrat application to be on the primary ticket in that state and polling numbers suggesting he was ahead of many other (lower tier) legitimate candidates (these were contrasted against less serious elements, such as his Doritos’ sponsorship and chosen running mate - himself).

Unfortunately, the buzz that had started to build around Colbert was quickly quashed by the kill joys at the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council who voted 13-3 to reject his application. Part of their reasoning that Colbert was not ‘a viable candidate’ may have been justified given that he only planned to run in one state – but some media reported that the ‘real’ candidates had intervened to suppress his growing popularity. Whatever the case, it was a disappointing turn of events. (As an aside, Colbert also planned to run as a Republican but couldn’t afford the ludicrous $35,000 filing fee!!)

In honour then of Colbert’s aborted run, and as a reminder to be better prepared for my own, the right hand side-bar now contains the Colbert 08 Memorial Boards. The ‘On Notice’ and ‘Dead to Me’ boards are one of my favourite jokes from his show – if you wrong him, you get put on notice, and if you persist then you’re dead to him. A simple, effective and hilarious system. You will note that my absentee (non-posting) ministers are already on notice, as is work choices and you the voting public (more on that later). Tony Abbott of course, is long dead to me.

In Case of Emergency

You know what my favourite type of justice is… poetic justice. This is the type exacted on the most deserving of antagonists – in a manner usually including some delicious irony. Given that I’m partial to this sort of cosmic ledger-balancing, I had a particularly pleasant week – capped as it was with yet another interest rate rise and continued decline of the Howard re-election campaign.

Allow me to elaborate. For many of his 11 years as PM, Howard has frequently played the interest rate card. The basic story goes: rates were through the roof (and in the teens) when Labor was last at the helm under Keating/Hawke and have been significantly lower ever since – how can we ever trust Labor again…ever. In 2004, low rates was one of the pillars of his comfortable election win (along with fear of terrorist attack and fear of Mark Latham). At stages when Labor momentum has mounted, the economic scare campaign has only intensified and the same old comparisons to the Keating years are made.

So it seems fitting then, that the pressure of rising interest rates is finally coming to bear on the Coalition. Following six successive rises since 2004, rates have reached a 10-year high – and the media are all over it. Costello is finally admitting that the rates are not totally within the government’s control (set as they are by the independent Reserve Bank) – while Howard is meekly reciting an “it would be worse under Labor” mantra. Pathetic. Finding themselves backed into an economic corner, the Libs reach for the miniature hammer hanging beside the small glass cabinet above Howard’s desk which reads “In Case of Emergency Break Glass”… and hurriedly bust it open.

Apparently inside they found a small slip of paper, penned by Howard himself when he was younger and bolder. The paper merely reads: “Spend the surplus!” – and so (promise to) spend they do. School tax rebates exceeding $9 billion, tax cuts of $1.6 billion for first home buyers and over half a billion for child care – bringing Howard’s total promises to greater than $60 billion (The Age noted: “In a speech… lasting just over 42 minutes, Mr Howard's pledges amounted to spending at a rate of $3.7 million a second”). The actions of a desperate man – but again, actions tinged with irony. All that spending is guaranteed to lead to only one thing: higher interest rates.

Get in on the Ground Floor

Mid-week, another Presidential milestone was passed – my second birthday as the head of a fictional Administration. As with last year, I was disappointed to see that no Marilyn Monroe look-a-likes leapt from cakes and no one sang me a single verse of Happy Birthday Mr. President.

Still, all was not lost. My Ministers were on hand (check the archives, not only do I have ministers – they even used to post) for some low key celebrations and I added a shiny new Nintendo Wii to my collection (do yourself a favour and get one). The highlight though was clearly the gift I received from the First Lady – the novelty t-shirt pictured above (the blog address is on the back). For the record, those are my real pecks, and no I don’t work out.

As I wore my new t-shirt out and about on Saturday, I was pleased by the response. Shopkeepers congratulated me on my fake position and passers-by promised to keep an eye out for me on the upcoming ballot. It made me wish that my official campaign to seize office in this country was a decade or two closer than it’s currently scheduled to be…

All that positivity though got me thinking. After convening my cabinet we agreed that it’s time to being the viral campaign of hearsay and propaganda that will lift this Administration from relative obscurity – to national renown. To aid in this cause, I’m offering to supply Presidential t-shirts to loyal AFP citizens for cost price (which, incidentally is $45 – novelty t-shirts don’t go cheap). If you’re interested in being a part of the juggernaut (hurry because it’s on the launch pad), email me at australiasfirstpresident@gmail.com with your request. Remember, nothing expresses your serious political views more eloquently than a hilarious (or in this case, novelty) t-shirt.

My Offer Still Stands

Back in the early days of my Presidency I explained one of the key perks of holding the highest fictional office in the land: three free assassinations. With my band of ASIO snipers at the ready, I need only deliver the name of an adversary – and he/she would be ‘rubbed out’. Three exterminations, no questions asked. At the time I considered it obvious that my first target would be none other than the Honourable Tony Abbott MP. His far-right wing positions and his gross mishandling of the Health portfolio made it clear to me that Australia would be bet off without him. I can assure you that the passage of time has not changed my mind.

Unfortunately, in the intervening time though, I have not risen to Presidential power. The order for his termination was never given; his concrete shoes were never poured and no sniper’s bullet ever locked and loaded. Mr. Abbott has continued to persecute marginalised sectors of our society (gays, aboriginals, the sick and elderly) and run the health system into the ground (I’d say “I told you so”, but I’m not the gloating type) – but somehow remains a revered Liberal Minister. His behaviour this week though has pushed his bar of intolerance and arrogance higher than usual, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the PM was starting to wish that he’d heeded my warning.

In an action packed few days, Abbott managed to insult dying asbestosis sufferer Bernie Banton (of James Hardie fame), was caught calling (opposition health spokeswoman) Nicola Roxon’s comments ‘bullshit’, and was half an hour late to a televised 1 hour debate with the same woman. Tony capped his day by reneging on the governments bail out/management plan of Tasmania’s troubled Mersey Hospital. Smooth. He spent much of the afternoon trying to apologise for all this, a task that was clearly foreign to him – but a necessary one given the looming election. For mine, his mumbled calls for forgiveness fell on deaf ears.

Overall, Tony’s week has crystallised two thoughts in my mind. Firstly, when I finally do sit down at my mahogany Presidential desk, his name will still be the first that I ink on the back of a coaster (subsequently passed down the line to my ASIO men). In the meantime though, I’m content in the knowledge that Abbott’s continued existence increasingly weighs heavy around the neck of an already drowning PM. If everything goes to plan, they’ll disappear below the surface together and I can spare my assassination for someone more relevant.