Gay is the new Black

And I mean that in the most serious way. I mean that this country’s treatment of the Gay and Lesbian community is reminiscent of the treatment of African-Americans by the USA in the first half of the 1800's. After decades of oppression and treatment as second class citizens (or as sub-human) American society found its conscience and has worked since that time to undo the damage caused to these people. In modern times, thanks to education and the stigmatisation of racist behaviour, it is now difficult for our current generation to conceive this level of segregation and mistreatment – at least based on skin colour.

In this context it never fails to surprise me that prejudice against the Gay and Lesbian community is so widely tolerated and even supported. Our current leadership has happily agreed to deny members of this community the basic rights to marriage (and the associated legal protections) under the pretence of protecting society and the institution of marriage. Please. This is not a social issue, but one of civil liberties. It is disgraceful that legislation exists that restricts the behaviour of a specific subset of our community. The tide against this outrage is slowly beginning to turn and in another 50 years society will no doubt look back with the same shame that now surrounds slavery. I for one aren’t prepared to wait that long.

In 2006, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada and South Africa legalized same sex marriage. New Jersey has just stumbled upon the fact that they’re discriminating against homosexuals and are legislating a solution. Australia, under this administration would quickly follow suit.

Taking back Nationalism

Ever since the Germans goose-stepped their way across Europe in WWII, nationalism as a political concept hasn’t been the same. Sure, people still love their countries, but the minute you try and unite people behind a common national identity, critics start coughing “Aryan” behind your backs. It has been demoted to an extreme right wing ideology, serving xenophobic regimes the world over, fed by the fear of confused citizens.

Things have only gotten worse since the War on Terror. Once Bush decided that patriotism was an interchangeable word with loyalty – America’s unique brand of nationalistic passion has become a tool of oppression. If you don’t agree with the Bush Administration (and don’t eat all your Freedom Fries), you’re not a patriot, and increasingly, you’re Un-American. Like every other trend in the US, this one is catching on here, with everything from flag burning, to fare evasion (and everything in between) dubbed Un-Australian. In fact, 87% (it feels like that many doesn’t it?) of all stories on A Current Affair, contain behaviour considered Un-Australian.

Well, I don’t care for it. This administration vows to reverse these ugly trends and return a love for your country to a top national priority (we also plan to abolish crap current affairs shows). Our change to a republic will now doubt require a change of flag – but that flag will be flown proudly from the flagpole in every front yard, draped enthusiastically around our victorious athletes, and planted heroically on all of our conquered territories.

A Real Republic

Some of you more astute readers would’ve noticed by now that one of the key hurdles to becoming President of Australia is the need to change our system of government. Those even more on-the-ball will note that this was already tried in 1999, by referendum and was defeated with roughly a 55% majority.

Much of the problem 7 years ago (and to this day) was that republicans were divided over which model of republic they were in support of (see http://www.republic.org.au/6models/). In the end, the referendum proposed a figure-head president, to replace the queen and governor general and to preside over ribbon cuttings the country over. He or She was to be appointed by the parliament, a prospect widely viewed as un-democratic. In retrospect this model was not necessarily the most likely to bring about better governance, but was the middle-of-the-road option that placated the majority of republican factions.

It’s a terrible model and one I’m happy was not implemented. I understand that as a society, we’re largely conservative – but the adoption of a republic provides the first opportunity for real change in over 200 years (I think the monarchists “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality is simplistic, at best). I favour the Executive Presidential model, where the President is elected by the people and is both head of the government and head of state. In short, we get a real president, not a symbol. The President elects a cabinet, of experts, who are definitionally not political representatives (career politicians rarely make good managers – or in recent history, good leaders). The two houses of parliament provide oversight of the cabinet and concentrate of legislating and serving their electorates, while the President’s party does not necessarily hold a majority in either house.

I am under no illusions that changing the constitution and the government will be an easy task. However, if we’re ever going to have dynamic leadership and experts in charge of our essential services, it’s a change that we need to make.

The Nuclear Option

Fear is an irrational response. One incident can prejudice people against an entire subject. For me its water skiing. When I was a kid, I heard of a guy who hit a submerged twig on a river, and wound up with a broken neck. To this day, I wouldn’t get behind a speed boat for all the adopted African kids in Hollywood. I know the chances of it actually happening to me are remote, but it’s not worth it.

The same scenario seems to have affected Australia in terms of nuclear energy. Ask the average citizen on the street what they know about nuclear power and the response will be unanimously Chernobyl and then: nuclear energy bad. That’s about the extent of it. In context though, the Chernobyl disaster happened 20 years ago, was the end product of letting under-trained and careless workers pilot a poorly designed and cheaply constructed reactor. Like giving a 3 year old a loaded shot gun. That’s the Russians for you though, you can’t trust them. While there is no question that this was a disaster of gigantic proportions, it just wouldn’t happen in a developed country like ours. The Three Mile Island reactor in the USA suffered a partial meltdown seven years prior to Chernobyl and caused no immediate radiation deaths, with the projected increase in cancer related deaths later judged to be “approximately one”.

As such, the USA currently has just over 100 operating nuclear reactors, while France generates 80% of its electricity using nuclear technology. The hurdles to nuclear energy are generally a large start-up cost, ongoing fuel costs, the storage of waste products, accident or attack and possible proliferation for nuclear weapons. Currently, Australia is uniquely placed to overcome all of these obstacles. We have a large GST-fed budget surplus, large uranium reserves, even larger tracts of uninhabited land on which to store spent fuel and are wealthy enough to build with the best and safest technology.

Its time we stopped being afraid, and strode into the 21^st century, trusting our scientists to lead the way.

Public Transport Reform

Now I'm the first to admit I'm not Robinson Crusoe when it comes to complaining about public transport. There are legions of people in the 'burbs who are subjected to the fickle whims of this feisty mistress on a daily basis (I know this because some of my advisors made a trip out to the outer fringes of Sydney (see www.whereis.com.au/Marrickville) once a couple of years back and spoke to them). However, in my official capacity as the future Minister for Transport in the Republic, I feel obliged to point out the shortfalls in the current system and this administration's proposals for the future.

One day recently in a fit of Al Gore-induced environmental friendliness, I decided to leave the car at home and catch public transport to work for the day. Now imagine my surprise when the journey took me 3 times as long as the one had I commuted in the comfort of my private car! Once I had waited outside my office long enough to be satisfied the Candid Camera guys weren't coming (maybe they were on a bus?), I began to think to myself about the trade off I had just made. One hour of my life in return for the pleasure of sitting on the bus next to a guy whose arthritic elbows prevented him from applying deodorant (I assume), telling 4 or 5 people that I was in fact commuting to my paid employment so I would have some change for a phone call and perhaps they should try the same, and exerting myself walking from the bus stop such that I needed a shower on arrival. Of course the polar ice caps also shrunk one billionth of one percent less that day which subsequently melted some of the ice-cap around my heart.

Does anyone else see the problem here? 30mins in an air conditioned car, arrive fresh, no walking, cheaper!! OR Kilometers of walking, crowded stinky bus/train, 90mins. You would have to be the virgin Mary herself to take the public transport option for the sake of the environment. I personally have wired electrodes to my privates for a little 'negative reinforcement' next time I wake up feeling all John Lennon-imagine no possessions-and think a bus is a good idea. Instead I've got my hot air balloon out of storage and dusted it off for those occasions. It's good clean LPG, and based on my recent experience I've decided submitting myself to the mercy of the prevailing winds has me far more likely to arrive at work on time, refreshed, and suitably unaware of Sydney's homelessness problem than via Sydney buses. So as part of our proposed public transport reforms I'm pleased to announce a new 10% rebate on all hot air balloon sales to complement a new Transport Hotline Initiative called T-Line including a handy bus self-exclusion service and daily wind reports. That and the obvious additional powers for bus inspectors to question and detain any person deemed to have taken the bus in lieu of their car with no good reason, because there's clearly treachery afoot there.

So there you go. If New Zealand can continue ad-nauseum to pretend to be a real country, I can add my voice to the countless billions who think public transport in this city is a disgrace. My one man boycott is hitting the Howard/Iemma regime where it hurts, and the formality that is the collapse of those governments can only be days away. While you wait patiently for the day our glorious President rises to power in their ashes, be sure to raise your normally downcast commuting eyes to the sky, and wave to me as I float by.

Motor Racing

If the great Charles Darwin was a bogan, he still would've to be tempted to perform a little of what I like to call 'divine evolution' (Did you mean: genocide) once a year, in a little place in country NSW called Bathurst. Every year in October the God of Mt Panorama awakens from his drunken coma, climbs off his sister, dons his best Ford dressing gown and cracks open a hair-of-the-dog VB. Then, like worker bees summoned by their queen only with less capacity for autonomous thought, bogans in their tens of thousands hear the call of the tinny and descend on the mountain, eager to stake out the space from which they'll see all the action. Or at least the squillionth of a second each car is visible... "Did anyone see the number on that one?? I think it was Skaifey! What an athlete he is!". Are these guys serious? Clearly they're a few octane points short of premium when they call this a sport, with the participants 'Athletes'. Sure they hop out of their little mobile saunas all hot and sweaty, much like Clinton leaving the oval office or our adversary John Howard on return from his morning constitutional. But sweating at work does not equal athlete any more than being alive means you should be allowed to breed, as each of our 60000 'Motorsport' loving subjects are testament.

Eventually, after exhausting our catalogue of taped episodes of 'A Current Affair' and 'Today Tonight', we see the winner on the podium. What a hero. What a day. "The best race ever!" they exclaim, without even needing to add "except the ones Brockie won" because everyone knows that's what they mean. This bloke (who gets paid ludicrous sums to drive a car) managed to negotiate the same track 160-odd times without a new wall sneaking up on him. Someone get some ice for his accelerating foot! Let us lift that champagne lest you injure those million dollar steering arms...

Spare me. Spare us all. That's exactly what this administration will be doing when we outlaw motor racing. No doubt you the voting public are eagerly awaiting our position on law enforcement, education, healthcare and tax to name a few. Well watch this space, but in the meantime take our your blackest, most permanent marker, and cross motor racing off your respective lists.

The Pacific Solution

You’ve got to wonder sometimes, who comes up with these policies and which bright spark gets to name them. Clearly the lights were off and no one was home in the halls of power when our government came up with its policy for diverting asylum seekers and called it the Pacific Solution. Obviously everyone at that meeting hadn’t heard of a little thing called WWII and the other famed ‘solution’. Nice work.

Our current immigration policy is pathetic. It is based entirely on the premise that we need to make Australia seem like a foreboding, unapproachable fortress – else the hordes of Asia descend on us. Now I’m not saying Howard and the boys haven’t done a good job of making us look like heartless bastards. They legislatively reduced our immigration inclusion zone, established a raft of offshore and remote mainland detention centers, holding some applicants for more than three years. Pretty intimidating stuff, but hardly pleasing to human rights watch groups, like Amnesty International. So far, the government had been able to get away with it for one simple reason: hating and fearing foreigners is currently fashionable in the USA (who are building a fence along their 3000 km border with Mexico) and Europe (where right wing nationalists keep coming to power on a tide of xenophobia). Way to go with the flow.

Obviously, there are better solutions to this issue, but it isn’t practical to merely grant visas to everyone arriving on our shores. There is a necessity to process new arrivals, both in terms of the validity of their refugee status and their health – before putting them into the community. The key to a workable policy in this area though is simple: definitive detention periods. For example, let’s say 3 months (I’m no visa processing expert, but I think that’s a fair time). That’s the limit, no exceptions. In that time, asylum seekers can be given medical treatment and health checks, English lessons to help them make their way in our society, and offered vocational training if they wish, to make them more employable – all while their paper work is verified. Independent, free legal representation and translators can ensure that are treated fairly. At the end of that time, you have happy, healthy people ready to join our community – with the bonus being that we no longer have to be ashamed at how we treat those less fortunate than us.

Three Free Assassinations – Part 1

Over my life I’ve come to hear enough conspiracy theories to believe that each American President gets three free assassinations, no questions asked. From the day of their inauguration they need only to write a name on a napkin, pass it to the correct CIA agent and the person meets with an ‘accident’. While it’s disturbing to think that this might actually be the case, it makes me wonder which three people Australia would be most improved without.

The first one strikes me as a no brainer, and I’d be scribbling his name the instant I was sworn in. My ASIO henchman would be immediately dispatched to the home of the Honorable Tony Abbott MP. Certainly Australia and maybe the world would be a better place without this ultra conservative religious zealot. He’s on the record as being anti-abortion, anti-trade unions, has reduced spending on the PBS, made insensitive comments about aboriginals and on mental health (specifically kicking John Brogden while he was down). He has also been outspoken on restricting gay marriage under the guise of protecting ‘family values’. In short, I would despise living in the society he envisions, and so I assume would millions of other Australians. I’m surprised that a man with such incendiary views has risen to the top of the political tree – and could one day lead this country. The quicker he’s wearing concrete shoes, the better.

UN "Peacekeepers"

I saw a poster this morning posing the brain teaser: "The UN: Peacekeepers or Imperialists?". To any citizen of planet earth who can register a response on an EEG, the answer is painfully obvious: neither.

The UN as an organisation has been broken for a long time, though recent events serve to highlight its ineptitude. When Israel responded to Hezbollah's cross-border raid in July, it took the UN a full month to broker a cease-fire - and the last troops only just left. The 'peacekeepers' needed to restore order had to be squeezed from unwilling member countries, who didn't want to put their troops in harms way! (They're soldiers, that's their job) While the issue of the invasion of Lebanon is a complex one, the over riding message sent by the UN was: Nations are free to invade whoever they see fit and have at least a month before any international action is taken. Not a great precedent to set in modern times.

The other obvious examples of UN bungling are the continued genocide in Sudan and Iran's unchecked progression towards nuclear weapons. In Sudan, the UN have insufficient political clout to get the government to co-operate (hardly imperialists) and the land itself is strategically insignificant enough to not arouse the interest of its permanent members. Articles are written, Hollywood actors lobby and UN resolutions are debated, but no action is taken. Much has been written about Iran too, but the bottom line there is that the UN policy of placating rogue nations (or at most, writing them softly worded letters) continues to be a failure and not offending Muslim sensibilities has become too high a priority.

When I become President, my highest foreign policy priority will be to overhaul the UN and make it a functional entity (Obviously making the international community care what Australia says will also be a priority). For starters it needs a permanent standing army at its disposal and the ability to deploy them with meaningful mandates. The army should be drawn on a rotating basis from member nations, proportionate to their size and trained specifically for peacekeeping - a very different sort of training to that given to US marines, for example. After the first few successful interventions the new UN may find that there are less wordy resolutions to pass and that the peace is easier to keep.

Long Weekend

The long weekend may have stalled the momentum of my posting, but the pursuit of the presidency never rests. While I wasn't asked to give a lame speech at the AFL breakfast, nor to look like an awkward tool on the NRL podium - I was immersed in finals fever. Having some concept of our national sports puts me ahead of 99% of our current leadership, and I look forward to a day when the good public don't have to cringe when the PM gets near a moving ball. The footage of little Johnny trying to bowl a ball still haunts me. The swannies were noble in defeat, and the storm were robbed.

But I digress. The main reason for this post was to reassure the voting public that this presidential bid is not one that is taken lightly or ill conceived. It has been years in the planning and stems from an honest belief that I could do a better job, with better policies. I have the requisite left wing, philanthropic first-lady; a collection of wise and trustworthy advisors that form an unbreakable inner circle; an unwavering belief that I am right and a willingess to benignly govern. Frankly, my only concern is that I've arrived too late.