One of my favourite mortal enemies has returned to the front pages, and so I wake from my posting-slumber. Tony Abbott has returned to the forefront of Australian politics and he has brought my rage with him. While the media collectively swoon over their latest iteration of the straight-talking everyman, I felt the need to offer a reminder of the cold black heart that drives this one.
Back in 2006 when my aspirations for higher office were first made public, I eagerly seized on the first major benefit of my hypothetic presidency: three free assassinations. At that time, I had no hesitation in penning my first nomination, The Honourable Tony Abbott MP. Without recapping too heavily, he stands directly opposed to apparently all of my Administrations positions – as a devout conservative (Catholic) he spouts the expected drivel. Over a year later, with Abbott’s foot lodged firmly down his own throat, my offer was repeated. At the time, my only solace was that he was one of many strands forming the noose that was slowly tightening around Howard’s neck.
Unfortunately, in the aftermath of Kevin’07 and Howard’s demise, Abbott survived. He sensibly dodged the poison chalice that is the re-bound leadership - waiting until Turnbull had steered the Libs to relatively higher ground – before pouncing. On December 1 last year, he slithered his way to the party’s highest post by the underwhelming margin of 42-41 votes. Staggeringly, his springboard to victory was an increasingly popular one among his cronies on the Right: Global Warming Denial. His opposition to the governments (flawed, yet promising) Emissions Trading Scheme was just the populist stance he required – ignoring that fact that his own position was later described by Turnbull as “bullshit”. Eloquently put.
Since that time, Abbott has been particularly offensive to Australian women, counselling them on the value of their virginity (thoughtful), their ironing technique (charming) and describing Deputy PM Julia Gillard’s grin as “shit-eating” (classy). Worst of all, Abbott has promoted the bumbling Barnaby Joyce to the finance portfolio – a move that has left me speechless with disbelief. We all get collectively dumber every time Barnaby speaks and it destroys my faith in democratic governance that a man of his calibre can rise to such a post. Despite the clumsy start, compounding his own thinly veiled ultra-conservatism, Abbott is experiencing an extended honeymoon and currently winning in some preferred PM polls.
For me, it comes back to the type of leader we want for our country – the ‘good bloke’ the media seem to crave, or a serious, intelligent human. Currently, we have a thoughtful (ok nerdy) policy wonk, who speaks Mandarin and makes measured, logical statements. I guess in many ways that makes him ‘out of touch with the common man’ and not first on my invite list for a night on the beers – but isn’t that exactly what we want our PM to be?
