Now I'm the first to admit I'm not Robinson Crusoe when it comes to complaining about public transport. There are legions of people in the 'burbs who are subjected to the fickle whims of this feisty mistress on a daily basis (I know this because some of my advisors made a trip out to the outer fringes of Sydney (see www.whereis.com.au/Marrickville) once a couple of years back and spoke to them). However, in my official capacity as the future Minister for Transport in the Republic, I feel obliged to point out the shortfalls in the current system and this administration's proposals for the future.
One day recently in a fit of Al Gore-induced environmental friendliness, I decided to leave the car at home and catch public transport to work for the day. Now imagine my surprise when the journey took me 3 times as long as the one had I commuted in the comfort of my private car! Once I had waited outside my office long enough to be satisfied the Candid Camera guys weren't coming (maybe they were on a bus?), I began to think to myself about the trade off I had just made. One hour of my life in return for the pleasure of sitting on the bus next to a guy whose arthritic elbows prevented him from applying deodorant (I assume), telling 4 or 5 people that I was in fact commuting to my paid employment so I would have some change for a phone call and perhaps they should try the same, and exerting myself walking from the bus stop such that I needed a shower on arrival. Of course the polar ice caps also shrunk one billionth of one percent less that day which subsequently melted some of the ice-cap around my heart.
Does anyone else see the problem here? 30mins in an air conditioned car, arrive fresh, no walking, cheaper!! OR Kilometers of walking, crowded stinky bus/train, 90mins. You would have to be the virgin Mary herself to take the public transport option for the sake of the environment. I personally have wired electrodes to my privates for a little 'negative reinforcement' next time I wake up feeling all John Lennon-imagine no possessions-and think a bus is a good idea. Instead I've got my hot air balloon out of storage and dusted it off for those occasions. It's good clean LPG, and based on my recent experience I've decided submitting myself to the mercy of the prevailing winds has me far more likely to arrive at work on time, refreshed, and suitably unaware of Sydney's homelessness problem than via Sydney buses. So as part of our proposed public transport reforms I'm pleased to announce a new 10% rebate on all hot air balloon sales to complement a new Transport Hotline Initiative called T-Line including a handy bus self-exclusion service and daily wind reports. That and the obvious additional powers for bus inspectors to question and detain any person deemed to have taken the bus in lieu of their car with no good reason, because there's clearly treachery afoot there.
So there you go. If New Zealand can continue ad-nauseum to pretend to be a real country, I can add my voice to the countless billions who think public transport in this city is a disgrace. My one man boycott is hitting the Howard/Iemma regime where it hurts, and the formality that is the collapse of those governments can only be days away. While you wait patiently for the day our glorious President rises to power in their ashes, be sure to raise your normally downcast commuting eyes to the sky, and wave to me as I float by.
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